Cerulean Blue

Long story short, since my GPA has been crap, I get kicked out of CSUSM unless I convince the board that I'm struggling in school because of certain hardships.  Mainly, psychological disorders.


So, my question to you guys is this:

Social phobia, agoraphobia, depression, and some undiagnosed sleep disorder-- good enough reasons to warrent them giving me more chances, or not?  What do you guys think?


And speaking of depression, I've been in a rut for a week or so now.  I can feel it, but I can also feel the Prozac fighting it off, but not in its entirety.  So, I end up kinda wavering between hopelessly depressed and okay.  That amounts so a nice, steady "blaahhh don't want to do anything but don't feel so downright bad that I want to off myself on the spot" kinda feeling.


Not to sound angsty, but I feel like my life is meaningless; like the things I want to do I can't do because I'm not qualified or able to, for one reason or another.  I couldn't live with myself if I ended up at a McDonald's job for the rest of my life. I gotta excel somehow, do something I love, make a difference.  I want to be an animator, or work with animals in some fashion, but it's like... I can't do either if I can't attend the classes instructing me how to because I'm too paranoid of being in public.  And even if they offer online courses, sometimes just the idea of coursework stresses me out, and the only way I know how to deal with such stress is to avoid it as best I can.

The only way I think I can do better is to either be able to focus on a topic I'm very passionate about (animation, cartooning, video games, animals), or find SOME way to counteract all this emotional crap I have stacked against me holding me back.  Unfortunately, both options are very expensive, and I'm poor.  Capitalism, ftl.


God, can NOTHING make me feel good? Frickin' art?  Talking to Mike?  Going outside?  Playing WoW?  God... I might as well take some drugs and go to bed early.  Being conscious doesn't have much value to me right now.

Using my dancing cheetah icon because it makes me feel slightly better.

I find it amazing how frickin' uninspired and unmotivated I've been as of late.  It's like almost all of my passion is gone.  Sometimes I wonder if I've somehow trained myself to give up before trying and without my knowledge.  I want to try, but I really. Frickin'. CAN'T. get myself to do what I want to/need to do.

I'm talking about my Psych classes.  I find them interesting, but I really just ... somehow don't care.  I want to care, very much so, but FARK.  STUDY. DO HOMEWORK. DO ANYTHING.  Why the hell can't I motivate myself?

Sometimes I wonder, but then I stop and think of what I really want, deep down.  I really want to be in art college perfecting my skills and learning to become a traditional animator.  That's what I really, really want.  I've wanted it since elementary school.  I guess with Mom giving me a hard time about finances, the idea of getting a student loan is becoming more and more likely.  I can't stand being in debt, which is why I avoided it in the first place.  But... I'm wondering if it's making me want to just go for broke and go to art college like I really want, and it's somehow affecting my performance in Psychology.

Psych is interesting, but I just have the instinct of an animator.  Bringing cartoon characters to life--ugh, so awesome.  I guess I joined Psych as a way to cheaply get my degree in a less artsy profession that could actually earn me decent money in the future.  But it's like... there's a reason why I didn't just become a Business major.  It's boring to me.  Psych is more interesting, but god, some of the stuff... BORING.  SO, SO BORING.  Stats... boring!  Research methods... boring!  Neuroscience... BORING.  I don't give a shit about this stuff.  I care about interpersonal and intrapersonal innerworkings.  What's fun about artwork is that you can express what you see in that sort of stuff while utilizing it as a creative outlet.


I'm pretty much angsting because I had a test today, and I tried to get myself to study for it, but damn.  I really wish I knew what was wrong.  The above paragraphs are all speculation, really.  I really don't want to flunk. I want to do well!  And I have the motivation to an extent, but... I just lack will power or something.  Another reason why I think art college would work well for me.  Drawing doesn't take will power.  Heck, I draw when I'm supposed to be studying.

Goddang Psych, I mean, SHEESH.  "What symbol do we use to calculate blah blah blah in a blah test?"  WHO CARES? It's all written down for us anyway!  Why do we have to memorize all that shit?  Why do we have to memorize ONE STINKIN' SENTENCE in a book out of... god.... 5 chapters, which are about 30 pages each... you do the math!  That's such bull!  If I did get a job in psych (social worker, woot), I'm not going to have to constantly go back to THIS ONE STINKIN' BOOK to quote ONE GENERIC SENTENCE for any given situation!

Teach me how to draw perspective... heh... that's something I can use.