Jan. 21st, 2009

lunabuna: (x-files - scully WTF)
I am NOT anorexic, goddamnit! >_<

WTF, one family member gets paranoid and now the whole family thinks it?

If anything, I've lost a bit of my appetite due to DEPRESSION. That IS a side-effect, and it's been known for years that I've got it.

Bugging me to eat more when I'm effing FULL does NOT make me feel any better! It makes me want to barf, actually! Sheesh, isn't that kinda counterproductive? I have a small stomach or something. I can't eat, like, a whole Burger King meal. Maybe a sandwich/hamburger or something and some water, but no, I can't finish the fries, and just the sandwich alone makes my stomach hurt as if I'd eaten too much.

What pisses me off is that people jump to these conclusions. Anyone ever consider an approach like "Gosh, Steph, you seem kinda skinny. How have your eating habits been?" Then I can answer with a "I've been depressed and have been lacking an appetite sometimes." And BELIEVE me. Don't just... like, insist there's got to be some eating disorder involved or some crap. If there's any disorder involved, aside from my head being a douche, it's my stomach's horrid irritability. I get nauseated over the stupidest things, and a lot of times it makes me puke. If I could keep the food down, believe me, I would. I HATE puking! Fuck, I'm not fat! Why would I want to do that sorta shit? My back hurts from sitting against a chair with no cushioning as it is. You think I want my bones to stick out any more so I can feel even MORE "zomg PAIN" along my vertebrae? That sucks, too!

Maybe it's the illusion my clothes give off. They think I look skinny because I'm bundled up in layers of baggy clothes. Baggy clothes are nice in the winter because I can double- or triple-up all I want and not be all bulgy and obvious about it. But they take one look at me and go "ZOMG MUST BE EATING DISORDER" and it's like... ingraved in their brains from then on. My hip bones and ribs have always protruded a little, peeps. This is nothing new. Quit poking around my body looking for justifications for your judgements.

I don't think people realize that this kind of attention is just as awkward and unsettling as bugging a person about how fat they are. What, do they WANT me to get all bent out of shape about my body image? Because that's where it's headed right now. I never had much of a problem except that I didn't want people to check out my curves (i.e. boobs.), hence the huge sweatshirt, but it serves a duel purpose as stated above. I don't want guys looking at me and thinking I'm something to bang. Look at me, be disinterested, and leave me alone. I could probably flaunt it because I'm skinny, sure, but I don't want to. Go hit on somebody else who likes the attention and is actually on the market for a guy or something.

sldkfjlsdkjfksjdflkjsdf FUUUUCK.

July 2010

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